Lessons of Miss Life.

For a child world defines the word perfect, complete and fun. The world gives voice to the inner squeals of child. It unfolds before him so many gifts and surprises. Life too seems to go smoothly. For him everything is as beautiful as the castle of Prince charming. The sorrows are like small hunches that end for sure. But as the child grows the knife of life gets sharpens. Some gets used to its brutality and become one with it, killing the innocence in others and some becomes victims of life.

                                    Like many others I come under the label of the victims of life. As a child life has no meaning for me. It never existed in my vocabulary. My world was in my books, in television and in the womb of my mother. These three were my real teachers at that time and all of them taught me that there is nothing bad in this world.  That Sorrows comes in the lives of people who are evil but those who are good and are innocent never gets the wrath of God. Every word of their teachings seemed true to me till I stepped out of my house and met the different creations of God. Cautious advice was passed that “never to trust or let others ruin you”. It entered from one ear and was out from another as I saw smiling faces all around me, welcoming me. At once, I became theirs. I did everything to comfort them when they suffered from something and when something troubled I shared everything with them, without knowing that they have no interest in my babble. But as I was getting acquainted with the idea of life, love knocked on my door.

                        Unbelievable, astonishing, crazy, yes, these are the words that define my condition. Love shadowed all my worries. It became my umbrella that saved me from the torrential rainfall of sadness. I forgot everything and cradled my love with utmost care. First love is fresh like fragrant raindrops in a sun shower. It intoxicates your entire being. Everything about it is so strong that even now, the mere thought of it arouses goose bumps in me. Nothing seems impossible and for a girl like me it felt just like what Alexander must have felt after conquering almost all the parts of world. But I neglected the fact that the same feelings are not nested in the bosom of the other side. Have you guessed the end already? Smart. Let me put in words who are still guessing and save the time. What happened was that my world came crashing down. Every belief of mine was bled till the end. The broken pieces are still there, stuck in my heart causing me immense pain every time my heart beats.  This is how Life made me her victim and then the new lesson was learnt “that nothing is good in this world. That sorrows comes in the lives of innocents and evil minds shares the piece of cake with God.”

Winter

                In the womb of hills, the little wooden cottage is empty. No more is the fire kindling there, and no more the bed is warm. Through the window she looks at the snow descending and settling over the pavement while she longs for his return. Winter is the time of year that brings forth the memory of the heights of her love. As the mist descends in the morning, it reminds her warmth of his embrace, of cuddles and of the infinite love. A slight touch of cold wind, reminds her of his silent promise of never leaving her alone. The chilled darkness reminds her of their whispers and of their world that were their alone. The memory of that rose petal dawn fills her heart with sweet pain. It makes her happy because at that time she was someone that she can never be again and it makes her sad because those beautiful moments were very short-lived. Everything that they did is now the ghost that haunts the empty house of midnight.  But at the same time they are very dear to her.  Although, she tries not to think of him, her love put claws in the sky, she kisses the wind. She speaks his name, when she is alone.

             Nothing seems real to her. All she wants is him back in her life. Denying every possibility she chooses one possibility that in everyone’s eyes is impossibility that he will return. But she chooses to put all her faith in her love and believes that he will come back like sunrise piercing the morning’s hazy mist.

the Brunt

The moment you think that you can get on with the life and everything has settled down. When you have everything around you to help you forget the past. You find yourself standing there only, scratching over the wounds, and not letting them to heal. You try to hide your incapability from your well wishers. You portray before them as everything about you and in you is back on rails. While inside you every part is waging war to break through the walls you have put around. You want to show the sores to him, to tell him nothing is back to normal. You want to run to him and hide yourself in his embrace forever. But you know that nothing of this is going to happen, that the person you want the most is the one who wants to see you in this mess the most. You seem tired of daily show. All you want is to lay down all the pretence and tell him you have won. But that would mean that you will brood on ending your life. Yes you are doing it. But just for the people who love you, who want to see you blossoming, you live. You bear the brunt.

AJMER and my friend

Ajmer is going to be seperated from me. again, i will be a loner going on new destinations but the memories of the turbulent times through which i went through is going to remind for ever about the kindness and accepting nature of ajmer. i have done things here which nobody could have expected from me, neither had i but the merciful soil of ajmer took care of the wanderings and flights of my head and heart and managed to give me soft landings. silence and quietitude of this place soothed the wailings of my soul.

            this terrific equation of me with ajmer is all due to my friend who is an embodiment of the characteristics of ajmer. in the winepress of sorrow, he used to guide me through it. this bond between two of us which is being cemented by the bad times is going to last for long. his laugh which is like a golden sunray peircing through the dark inked sky and his eyes that twinkles, opening and closing like stars being born and being quenched. everything of him gives me a concrete satisfaction that i am not alone, that i have one friend who is equal to many. he held my hand when i was abandoned, when i was left alone to drown. i remember how he used to spent hours in consoling me. i will never forget the love and care that he bestowed over me. everything that he did for me is hard for anyone to imagine but in real sense he taught to deal with life, to love and to laugh. for me he is that prince about whom every girl. from the pages of a fairytale he has come and he has really rescued me from the darkness in my life and made me fell in love with his city, with his people. with him world seems to be a completely different place. a place that is rosy and fragrant, where there is all happiness. his presence makes everything seems still and faintly luminous and the air sweet to breathe, as in a thicket drenched with showers. i dont know now how to sum up my feelings. a lot more is left unsaid but i have no idea how to give them a proper form. so i prefer to end here, saying that this place has blunted the knife of life on the wounds of my heart and has made it tolerable to live.

it HURTS

it hurts when you get to know that every person to whom you turn to is ready with a stake to drive it through your heart. everything that you look up to is going to come right in front of you crashing. i have been through this alot more to end my lifetime and all those who have hurt me is going through their best times. right now i am hearing from those who pretends to care about me. there is something happening to me that the higher power and my past love wanted uit to happen to me. my heart is now being dried of all emotions and sentiments and i am just like a perfect scrapebook for the people to write anything they want. they all have used me and they are using me as if i am a toy of amusement for them and the fun part of all this is that i am letting this to happen to me because i want to be loved even when all i get is opposite of it but even the fake ones gets hold on to me and i let myself go with it despite of knowing that all i am going to get more backs turned on my face and more wounds on my heart. nothing have changed, not even a bit. the primal reason for my exitence has abandoned me. and now everyone is waiting my heart to explode.

down the memory lane

beneath the baked bowl of sky, he was standing outside the car and my heart was as clean and hungry for love as a monsoon morning in the gardens of Malabar. he blinked once, twice as if severing the thread of daydream with his thick lashes. as he was about to enter into the car, his friend said, "hey, go back, to your girl."as my heart squealed in happiness, i saw him pushing the canoe of love and passion for me into the sea of my expectations. he took me in his arms the moment he got in. the car began to move while all the gates of passion opened. we loved widly, madly and ferociously. i saw the colour of his eyes changing to that of sand, in the palm of your hand, a few minutes before the sun sinks below the sea. i fell fearlessly into my fate. we both got intoxicated in eachother; a loveliness filled our eyes, and crushed us into silent, unbreathing awe. the moment came when we had to fall apart, a grave expression passed across us like a cloud shadow sinking over smooth hills, on a sunny day. i calmed my heart by saying that its just the beginning without knowing that for him it is the end.