my best friend

So she called up. My so called best friend called up. Like a perfect bitch she started the usual crap. As nothing has ever happened. I know god is smirking in heavens as he feels victorious now. I can almost hear him boasting “see, I did you a favor , I took away all the lunatics from you. You should be grateful.” Ok, yes, I am grateful now, when I have seen the outcome of your deeds. Really people, god may have been merciless and cruel in just taking all that I had, but he is a saviour. He knows what kind of kid I am and in what disgusting situation I was in. he saw me wasting time in catering the idiotic friends who don’t have anything in the world to do but to aimlessly be obssessd with how they look and dying for the person who never ever have experienced any kind of emotion. God was brutual but he saved my life. He has taught me to see the difference in me and others. And now, I can clearly see that, all that I craved for once, is all bullshit. I hate every bit of it. The life I am living now is entirely different. I am living as a person I really am. I am proud of myself, that I have gone long way and have come up all with feathers in my hat.

                       I am miserable. But only when I look back and see what I did. What blunders I made. Things around me have changed. I am in the womb of ajmer, thriving and blooming. I have people that are real and loving. They are few in number but are extremely dear to me. the readers must be inquisitive why did I wrote this. The answer to this is that bad times comes not for bad purposes but to prick away the thorns and to bring you near  to yourself as it happened to me.

LIFE

the faces. the mind. the hollowness of every soul. everything around full of pretence, full of superficiality that it almost drains one's existence. i am far away from all this. no more a sentimental and emotional cow. i have come a long way and with whatever little experience in my life, is fully geared up to ignore the presence of the predators called humans. when i look back now, all i see is a useless girl trying to reach out for others. really, it was stupid. i was stupid in helping people get over their messsed up lives. its all over now. with no ripples in my life, its flowing smoothly without people and without god. recently i got hold of my old friend. i was happy that atlast i talked to someone from my past bad days. but after hanging up i realised that her voice was like a death knell and i dont want her neither she wants me. another day i was musing and found my mind hovering over what the "famous guy" in my life said to me that "one day you will realise that what i did was for your own good.that i left you because its for your own good self." a piece of crap. i agree, an easy way to run away, when courage is demanded.

life has been a great teacher. always eager to seperate me from all the "fake people". i am thankful to her for being so kind and cordial. with all the trials and tribulations, she has turned me into a tough girl who doesnt even give a damn when someone comes crying for help. i would like to raise my glass of tears for a toast to my dear teacher Life to whip me, to take away all my happiness, to take away all the people whom i loved and to take away all the feelings. i thank her to make out of me a complete cruel brute.

an excerpt from my diary

Its strange, I have become so allergic to people that unintentonally the careworn and loving people get hurt by me. surely, I have become malicious, melancholic and a monstor. Slowly and slowly,  I am showing gates to all those who wants to make me happy. These deeds of mine cause me pain too but times have sucked all sympathy and humanity from me. I have become a cruel brute, somewhere inside my heart the evil has grown so much that I cant avoid hurting others. The moment my friends approach me, my heart crouches in the corner, putting forth the shield. I am just unable to forget all the betrayals, how everyone showed their backs when I needed them so much. even when I try to trust, my past glares down all the courage I muster. I don’t know why its happening, why its bothering me so much. Its not that I don’t want any person in my life. The two three friends which have stuck to me through all my troubles, I do want them but my heart just repell every feeling. Everything seems like a lie, all the promises, swears, and their care. I don’t know why I make them victims of all my hatred and anger. Why I punish them for something they never did. Its strange

Rockstar UNPLUGGED

Recently, I was watching the new music vedios of rockstar on youtube and found some criticisms of it on the basis that rehman was not able to do justice to the rock music. I have myself heard rock music and had tried to follow it. So, somehow I have a little knowledge about it. Taking everything as a whole, I think Imtiaz ali has intentionally chosen rehman over others and rehman too, having sense of the taste of indians have put music  which doesn’t exhibit hatred, anguish or frustration but is more that gives the feel of completeness and cravig for the supreme. Also, he has shown through his music the spiritual journey of the lead character. As soon as the music sways in our ears, the soulfulness of it is felt. The enjoyment that is produced makes one restless, in the sense it inspires one to have ethereal aims.

                                        Ranbir kapoor has surpassed all the bars and has reached to a pedestal where he can be counted among the great heroes and the efforts of imtiaz ali behind it can be seen.  Ranbeer is almost like ascetic in the movie. He is just like a “modern saint” going through the narrow lanes, exploring and discovering the self, through music. the listless dressing and the monk like expression all the time, away from the world but still a part of it is well portrayed by him. The picturisation also heightens the effect that the director is trying to build up. I specifically liked the picturisation of quwalli and the song “jo bhi main”. Speaking individually of them, quwalli is composed in a manner that the feel of spiritualism can be easily felt by a common man and ranbeer in the song “jo bhi main” appears as fully in the spirit of it. The feel of the song is nicely carried by him, i.e; a sufi, fully in the halo of his god, unaware of the eyes, unaware of the effect he is creating in the minds of people. All in all everything, leaving the story (as I dnt knw) is heightning the feel that imtiaz ali is intending at.

Garib Nawaz

Here, I am trying to describe that can never be described. But I feel the want to share the experience that uplifted me, that nihilated the very sense of my being. I know words will fall short in giving expression that is so much divine. I remember my first visit to Dargah Sharif, it illuminated my soul in a way that whenever my heart suffers from various dips, it visualises in front of me. I remember how I didn’t want to go from there and how I ardently wished the time to stop. But I had to leave that pious place but intitutively I knew that I will come back. And Garib Nawaz did call me. I went for my post graduation in ajmer. I felt extremely fortunate to be there at last but still I was far away from him. All the tragedies happened to me there and My life became all topsy turvy. All the while I kept praying to him. I kept seeking for his blessings. I knew that he is troubled by my tears and soon he will do something and he did do something, hebestowed me with one of his angels who just guarded and guided me through. Above all he became the “goodest” friend of mine.

                                        Everything was cured as far as it could be. Now, I wanted to meet my real guardian and rescuer. The opportune moment came most unexpectedly. I was there, unbelievable, I was there and before my eyes was Garib Nawaz. Nothing existed, nothing at all, everything was complete. I was standing there desireless and fearless. My hands clearly trembled as I joined them in front of him. again there was the feeling of surrendering myself there and never to move a bit from there. Serenity and awe descended on me. I could feel his love and blessings on me. The tears blurred my eyes and I felt peaceful. The departure was painful while the gifts of his limitless fatherly love consoled me and I know that his generous and kind soul is going to be with me,  always watching and taking care of me.

twenty six words...

 His msg:

If I had ever hurt you by my deeds or words…knowingly or unknowingly…I am sorry from bottom of my heart…hope you forgive me…

My reply:

Apologising in twenty six words.

Summing up three years in twenty six words.

Showing the value of my love in twenty six words.

Is it going to bring back my innocence.

Is it going to bring back my dreams.

Is it going to release me from all the pains.

So easy it is to say sorry.

So easy it is to say I didn’t mean it.

So easy it is to say move on.

You are admired for leaving me in pieces.

You rised in the eyes of “your” people.

You are praised for following the words of your “dear ones”.

Temme, is your sorry going to bring back all that I lost.

If yes then I will forgive u.

If yes then I will take all and live with it.

Disillusionment:

India at a distance seems to be a country full of mystery and beauty. With  diversity in its every strand it successfully ropes in lots of admirers but when one comes closer to it. Then, comes an utter disillusionment. Seen from the closer quarters, one is able to see the cracks in the image of this ancient land. One can call it a perfect tourist country, as the conditions and situation fills the hearts with amusement and wonders. The mismanagement and the variety in food, religion,color, caste, dress,tongue and what not presents a very unique picture to an outsider. Its just not give amusement to a foreigner but it also gives him a realisation that  “nothing is like home”.

                         Still, there are some people who have stayed back and are enjoying the “Indian circus” daily. Corruption, poverty, carelessness and hatred towards eachother fill their souls with awe. They feel amazed to see this country surviving though crippled but still breathing. Others, who prefer to leave it, feels pity for the human race in general, living in india. They also witness not “unity in diversity” but “divisions in diversity”. The only unity they see is in hatred towards eachother’s religion. Not only in religions but also in castes and subcastes. Everything they once had imagined comes down falling. They thought of india to be developed but what they find instead  is potbellied baked merchants and buisnessmen in jeans and tshirts, feeling proud in calling themselves modern but in reality are still chained in old age superstitions and in safeguarding their family name.

                In a nutshell, india is a perfect example of disillusionment and so are its people. For the sake of family pride and name they can stake the lives of any number of innocents. It is the country full of  strange ideas and ideal. Still, it’s the country of my origin and I love it with all its minuses and pluses.