an excerpt from my diary

Its strange, I have become so allergic to people that unintentonally the careworn and loving people get hurt by me. surely, I have become malicious, melancholic and a monstor. Slowly and slowly,  I am showing gates to all those who wants to make me happy. These deeds of mine cause me pain too but times have sucked all sympathy and humanity from me. I have become a cruel brute, somewhere inside my heart the evil has grown so much that I cant avoid hurting others. The moment my friends approach me, my heart crouches in the corner, putting forth the shield. I am just unable to forget all the betrayals, how everyone showed their backs when I needed them so much. even when I try to trust, my past glares down all the courage I muster. I don’t know why its happening, why its bothering me so much. Its not that I don’t want any person in my life. The two three friends which have stuck to me through all my troubles, I do want them but my heart just repell every feeling. Everything seems like a lie, all the promises, swears, and their care. I don’t know why I make them victims of all my hatred and anger. Why I punish them for something they never did. Its strange