the brooding

When I look people hurting those I love, I end brooding over their deaths by my own hands. But like hamlet I fail in executing them and I swear to god that’s too frustrating. I have been reading Rohinton Mistry’s short stories “tales from ferozsha bag” and I found myself in the shoes of the characters that he portrayed. I feel what it is to lose someone you love, I feel the pain of that son and father who metaphorically are miles away from each other, I feel what it is to accept the blunders that your children make. The emotional side of every person present in those pages of the stories was felt by me because I think I have seen them around and because I think I am one of them. The precipitate of all the broodings is that The frustration, the despair and the guilt breathes in every soul around, that There is no redemption and that there is nobody who knows how to seek it. It is heart ripping when you have to live with the past that breathes in your present.

                                           Most of the people feel that they have no emotions that they are the most practical ones who know how to live in the present but actually they have those unquenched desires peeping through their hearts every now and then. And what they end up doing is weighing them all with their mind's whisperings and hushing them up in the far corners of heart. That is pathetic. they cry over their pillow, at nights. They carry on with their lives, fighting every moment with their unsolved miseries. My heart also, one of the trapped, feels the same. The memories of past recedes and returns like waves moving on the great ocean of the heart. That hug, which told me the insecurities and desperation of his heart, is unforgettable. It said loud that I don’t want life without you. That moment is engraved in my heart so deeply that all the betrayals and knife like words seems nothing. Memories like this is unbearable to all of us, we pretend to smile, to let the waves of time erase the memories that once blossomed our hearts. We all lie to our own selves and we all are demons inside our hearts who wants to break through all the societal norms. But many of us fail to gather the courage to break them and fail to understand that there’s nothing wrong in achieving what you want the most. But everyone has their own reasons – one chooses to live with the gnawing past and other is forced to live with gnawing past.

being with SPIDERS

From past few days I am having these uncanny encounters with spiders. This eight legged insect pounce over me from I don’t know where. The first encounter was very weird, I was on my bed, reading a novel, and then from a thin air it descended sheeewwwwww paaatt. I think she liked being on my book because she sat there with her eight legs spread on the yellow page of my novel. She was yellow in color too with disproportionate legs and she looked helpless, alone and so small. So I thought not to kill it but let her enjoy in my room. I tilted my book from which it slides on my floor, smilingly; I went to open the window when I saw another spider staring back at me. Oh man, she looked vicious but I thought to ignore her presence. I was feeling sleepy as it was half past two in the morning. In the morning came the shock of my life. Aaaaaaaaah, I saw the skin of my shoulder swelled and red. I ran here and there, whole day, not knowing what to do than everything became blurring.  

                         After fainting, I woke up directly in the morning. Darning needle in the small horns of the morning, I saw my mobile tootling out. I found that it’s my friend calling. I almost yelled on him and had the feud on. I told him to take me to the doctor immediately. My brow was sicklied over with the pale cast of thought. At last he came and we went to the doctor. It was strange, odd, and eerie and everything that makes your heart totters. The office we entered was empty. But soon a man came; he had over baked oiled skin that was shinning under the sheen of yellow bulb. His outer crust was indeed of a nature to cause those beholding it to rock back on their heels with a startled whistle. He asked me to speak about my problem. Instead of speaking I preferred to show my problem with teary eyes. “its getting bad. Take these medicines and apply this ointment and meet me after three days. “He said while scribbling over a piece of paper. I understood at that moment that this is the end of all the kindness that I had for spiders.

The Man I Love

a hole inside your heart, a vaccume inside your soul, sometimes enlarges so pathetically that you try to escape every moment that brings you face to face with it. so, to fill that hole, that vaccume we restores to many devices like we hang out with stupid emptyheaded people, believing that they really care for us, that they are with us because they really want to be with us is fooling our ownself, because leaving two or three people or none, nobody cares, nobody does care about what you feel. this mirage that people we love do love us too is like hoping that one day your miseries will end forever. but here i am going to tell you about a person who has trained me to keep my world of fantasy intact and to live every bit of it.

one day, when i closed my eyes, he was there, standing. he was wearing black shirt and black trousers. his skin was in complete contrast of his shirt. his fair complexioned skin and his large, dark grey eyes that were studying my face with open amusement. it was quite strange to me. i could feel my heart pounding hard and my cheeks burning red under his foliant gaze. it seems, as if, all hidden contents were leaking and going out to him through the link of our eyes. no words did pass in that meeting, but we became friends and we kept meeting. it was beautiful to know that sometimes words means nothing, that sometimes you need not have to say anything to make another person understand. i was always curious about what he thinks about me because i had never met a person like him before. his smile is very fascinating to me, there is something in his smile - a kind of mischievous exuberance, more honest and more excited than mere happiness - that pierced me to the heart. The warmth of his hand upon my face was a delicious feast. But, suddenly my mother came,”wake up, its too late.” Again my dream was broken. Ya, it was a dream. It was a dream of a man I love which is going to be like this.

The Mysterious Meeting.

Udaipur has been a city that I love the most. The reasons are many and one of them is that it ignited the power of imagination in me. as a child when I used to look in the eyes of my father when he told us about his adventures and misadventures, I was hardly able to find the way back. He is a great storyteller and with his skills he helped me create my castle of dreams and fantasies brick by brick. I vividly remember, sitting on his lap, under the moonlit sky, listening stories of Rajas and Maharajas. The stories of many historic battles. With all his stories and narratives he nurtured the sensitivities of my heart and head.

                        One day he took to me to Pervez kaka’s home. My dearest uncle who loves children profoundly. His long nose and big round spectacles over the most kind and warm eyes are the most cuddling features in him. also, he is very aristrocratic and very british in his manners. When I used to go to his house I always got the feeling of britishness in the air and I loved it. With all the sophistication, he has a grand golden heart, that makes him the star of not only my life but of every kid’s life. Oh, I am diverting from main point which is the mysterious meeting  and it happened with pervez kaka’s mum. I was very small at the time of our "mysterious" meeting. But his mum was very old and wrinkled. She took me and my brother in her room which was dimly lit and had a sandalwood fragrance hung around the room. With her ancient hands she took out from the creaking old wooden cupboard huge books. Oh, I still remember that mishchivious sparkle in her eyes. She looked like a old queen from an old portrait that was about to pass on her most treasureous antiques. She came towards us, smiling and opening a whole new world of fairytales. They were beautiful and lively. With each page came the image springing before our eyes. We both were speechless. I knew at once that she will never let go of these books, who could? But to our surprise she said “take them with you. Read them and remember me.” we both stared at her unbelievably. When I held them in my hands I knew that one more reason to be an ardent lover of udaipur is added.

my best friend

So she called up. My so called best friend called up. Like a perfect bitch she started the usual crap. As nothing has ever happened. I know god is smirking in heavens as he feels victorious now. I can almost hear him boasting “see, I did you a favor , I took away all the lunatics from you. You should be grateful.” Ok, yes, I am grateful now, when I have seen the outcome of your deeds. Really people, god may have been merciless and cruel in just taking all that I had, but he is a saviour. He knows what kind of kid I am and in what disgusting situation I was in. he saw me wasting time in catering the idiotic friends who don’t have anything in the world to do but to aimlessly be obssessd with how they look and dying for the person who never ever have experienced any kind of emotion. God was brutual but he saved my life. He has taught me to see the difference in me and others. And now, I can clearly see that, all that I craved for once, is all bullshit. I hate every bit of it. The life I am living now is entirely different. I am living as a person I really am. I am proud of myself, that I have gone long way and have come up all with feathers in my hat.

                       I am miserable. But only when I look back and see what I did. What blunders I made. Things around me have changed. I am in the womb of ajmer, thriving and blooming. I have people that are real and loving. They are few in number but are extremely dear to me. the readers must be inquisitive why did I wrote this. The answer to this is that bad times comes not for bad purposes but to prick away the thorns and to bring you near  to yourself as it happened to me.

LIFE

the faces. the mind. the hollowness of every soul. everything around full of pretence, full of superficiality that it almost drains one's existence. i am far away from all this. no more a sentimental and emotional cow. i have come a long way and with whatever little experience in my life, is fully geared up to ignore the presence of the predators called humans. when i look back now, all i see is a useless girl trying to reach out for others. really, it was stupid. i was stupid in helping people get over their messsed up lives. its all over now. with no ripples in my life, its flowing smoothly without people and without god. recently i got hold of my old friend. i was happy that atlast i talked to someone from my past bad days. but after hanging up i realised that her voice was like a death knell and i dont want her neither she wants me. another day i was musing and found my mind hovering over what the "famous guy" in my life said to me that "one day you will realise that what i did was for your own good.that i left you because its for your own good self." a piece of crap. i agree, an easy way to run away, when courage is demanded.

life has been a great teacher. always eager to seperate me from all the "fake people". i am thankful to her for being so kind and cordial. with all the trials and tribulations, she has turned me into a tough girl who doesnt even give a damn when someone comes crying for help. i would like to raise my glass of tears for a toast to my dear teacher Life to whip me, to take away all my happiness, to take away all the people whom i loved and to take away all the feelings. i thank her to make out of me a complete cruel brute.

an excerpt from my diary

Its strange, I have become so allergic to people that unintentonally the careworn and loving people get hurt by me. surely, I have become malicious, melancholic and a monstor. Slowly and slowly,  I am showing gates to all those who wants to make me happy. These deeds of mine cause me pain too but times have sucked all sympathy and humanity from me. I have become a cruel brute, somewhere inside my heart the evil has grown so much that I cant avoid hurting others. The moment my friends approach me, my heart crouches in the corner, putting forth the shield. I am just unable to forget all the betrayals, how everyone showed their backs when I needed them so much. even when I try to trust, my past glares down all the courage I muster. I don’t know why its happening, why its bothering me so much. Its not that I don’t want any person in my life. The two three friends which have stuck to me through all my troubles, I do want them but my heart just repell every feeling. Everything seems like a lie, all the promises, swears, and their care. I don’t know why I make them victims of all my hatred and anger. Why I punish them for something they never did. Its strange

Rockstar UNPLUGGED

Recently, I was watching the new music vedios of rockstar on youtube and found some criticisms of it on the basis that rehman was not able to do justice to the rock music. I have myself heard rock music and had tried to follow it. So, somehow I have a little knowledge about it. Taking everything as a whole, I think Imtiaz ali has intentionally chosen rehman over others and rehman too, having sense of the taste of indians have put music  which doesn’t exhibit hatred, anguish or frustration but is more that gives the feel of completeness and cravig for the supreme. Also, he has shown through his music the spiritual journey of the lead character. As soon as the music sways in our ears, the soulfulness of it is felt. The enjoyment that is produced makes one restless, in the sense it inspires one to have ethereal aims.

                                        Ranbir kapoor has surpassed all the bars and has reached to a pedestal where he can be counted among the great heroes and the efforts of imtiaz ali behind it can be seen.  Ranbeer is almost like ascetic in the movie. He is just like a “modern saint” going through the narrow lanes, exploring and discovering the self, through music. the listless dressing and the monk like expression all the time, away from the world but still a part of it is well portrayed by him. The picturisation also heightens the effect that the director is trying to build up. I specifically liked the picturisation of quwalli and the song “jo bhi main”. Speaking individually of them, quwalli is composed in a manner that the feel of spiritualism can be easily felt by a common man and ranbeer in the song “jo bhi main” appears as fully in the spirit of it. The feel of the song is nicely carried by him, i.e; a sufi, fully in the halo of his god, unaware of the eyes, unaware of the effect he is creating in the minds of people. All in all everything, leaving the story (as I dnt knw) is heightning the feel that imtiaz ali is intending at.

Garib Nawaz

Here, I am trying to describe that can never be described. But I feel the want to share the experience that uplifted me, that nihilated the very sense of my being. I know words will fall short in giving expression that is so much divine. I remember my first visit to Dargah Sharif, it illuminated my soul in a way that whenever my heart suffers from various dips, it visualises in front of me. I remember how I didn’t want to go from there and how I ardently wished the time to stop. But I had to leave that pious place but intitutively I knew that I will come back. And Garib Nawaz did call me. I went for my post graduation in ajmer. I felt extremely fortunate to be there at last but still I was far away from him. All the tragedies happened to me there and My life became all topsy turvy. All the while I kept praying to him. I kept seeking for his blessings. I knew that he is troubled by my tears and soon he will do something and he did do something, hebestowed me with one of his angels who just guarded and guided me through. Above all he became the “goodest” friend of mine.

                                        Everything was cured as far as it could be. Now, I wanted to meet my real guardian and rescuer. The opportune moment came most unexpectedly. I was there, unbelievable, I was there and before my eyes was Garib Nawaz. Nothing existed, nothing at all, everything was complete. I was standing there desireless and fearless. My hands clearly trembled as I joined them in front of him. again there was the feeling of surrendering myself there and never to move a bit from there. Serenity and awe descended on me. I could feel his love and blessings on me. The tears blurred my eyes and I felt peaceful. The departure was painful while the gifts of his limitless fatherly love consoled me and I know that his generous and kind soul is going to be with me,  always watching and taking care of me.